relationships in early recovery

Topics and discussions related to being single and or dating while in 12 Step Recovery or 12 Step Programs
Myinitialsareaasigh
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Re: relationships in early recovery

Post by Myinitialsareaasigh » Sat Apr 25, 2015 8:45 pm

As far as the big book talking about relationships maybe this

pg 69(i so love that)
" In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sax life. We subjected each relation(new?) to this test
was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them."

The key part maybe is "am i trying to get into this relationship for some selfish reason?"
I have always used relationships to boost my self-esteem maybe to have that hot girl on my shoulder or just cause i feel incomplete without one.

When my selfish reasons for having relationships are changed without being in one maybe then i'm ready to be in one.


Dallas
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Re: relationships in early recovery

Post by Dallas » Sat Apr 25, 2015 9:26 pm

Great reminder. The book is packed full of great suggestions and guidance for all areas of our lives -- especially in regards to relationships and sex.

waitresscheryl
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Post by waitresscheryl » Mon May 18, 2015 9:31 pm

I found this a rather interesting topic. If I had asked for advise about relationships early in recovery I would not have been married twice in early in recovery. When I first got in recovery, I did not even asked my sponsor for advise, or even would talk about it, I just decided I was going to do what I wanted to do, than when things went bad, it was the other person's fault, rather selfish don't you think. I had the idea that if I was not married or in a relationship that it made me less of a person, in other words, I had to live through that person, I did not have my own identity. Is any of this making any sense? I just wanted to share my own experience on this subject. So for me it really was not a good idea to be in relationships early in sobriety, because I did not know who I was, I was just finding out. Cheryl :D Today I am not in a relationship, even though I would like to be, but now I do not have to try so hard, I do not have that desperation I had than for a relationship. Hope this is making sense, not always real good with words, trying to get across what I am trying to say. :wink:

Rusty Zipper
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Post by Rusty Zipper » Tue May 19, 2015 11:36 am

for me i believe it realy depends on ones recovery... week, just not do'n much, not drinking and hit'n a few meets willy/nilly style.... better, not drinking, going to more meetings, working a bit w/a sponser, sitting at least at the table, reaching out to the newcomer, ### #### drinking coffee, not makeing it, or strong, working the steps, hit'n knees, reaching out to others ### #### service, no two-step'n.. working daily, or at least useing a sponser when decsision making, sitting up front, and plenty more .... the latter was me..... i was in a relationship after a year, the other, just under... we loved each other, going on three years together. we were going to get married... what happen'd.... the Rat came out, The Beast was woke'n... 5 months of hell...someone said to me way long ago, the program your working now, agressive and strong, will be there for your future... and also for if, and when a bomb goes off... well sober13, the bomb drop'd ......... my baby is dead... ya think that's a bomb sober13? ... i shure do!!!... and thank god i have my program, my sponser, my homegroup, my AA friends and my online friends! .. if i didn't, it would be the the agains, the yets and maybe join'n her! and let me tell you, even with all of this, its hard. i'm doing it, growing from it and geting even more spiritual growth... sober, who carried me.... God, The Powers That Be, HP, or whatever anyone would like to call it.... sober, i hope any of this may have help'd.... all good wishes, and if ya can, give a little love.......... The Zip


Toast
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Re: relationships in early recovery

Post by Toast » Tue May 19, 2015 5:45 pm

Hi,

Its been my observation that alcoholics often choose ' non challenging' relationships just like we choose ' non challenging' environments to strut our stuff in. We can't not be king of our own castle.

The problem is eventuallly either the relationship or the environment doesn't live up to the lofty expectations we never had in the first place and we look for someone or something to blame? Never once realising that it was our sick thinking that was the problem all along!

Choosing the easier softer way doesnt work with alcoholics either drunk or sober.

Be well

Dallas
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Re: relationships in early recovery

Post by Dallas » Tue May 19, 2015 9:50 pm

On the flip side -- I must be one of those rare alcoholics -- that picks the most challenging relationship that I can find, one that is sure to end in disaster and defeat -- unless I can only manage it better. Thus, proving that I'm the King of the Castle -- who has ALL Power to fix ALL things. LOL.


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