They didn’t understand. The only way I could stay sober for an entire day, was to be locked up or covered up. And to get covered up, was more appealing to me, than being locked up. I was so tired of being locked up. But that seemed to be my only hope.
I worked out the solution in my head, what I’d have to do. I could go to the police station and throw a brick through the window, and they’d come out and lock me up. What good would that be? After they let me out – I’d be throwing another brick at their window to get locked up again. The thought of dying seemed my only logical hope.
Sure. There was a time when I could have stayed sober for one day. There was once a time when I went nine months without drinking. And another time, I even made it to 10 months, without drinking.
But this time it was different. For about six months straight, I had been trying to make it a full day without a drink. Towards the end of the six months, my goal changed, and I white-knuckled it, hoping to make it to noon without a drink. I’d go to sleep drunk. I’d wake up and start getting ready to head to my office. I was self-employed and ran a financial service business. I had a bottle stashed in every room of the office building for when I felt the drinking emergency hit me, which was about once per hour.
My drinking had progressed to where I was terrified of falling asleep and waking up sober. I’d set several alarm clocks to go off in two hour increments. And I slept with a bottle by the bed. When the alarm would go off, I’d wake up, and try to limit myself to one good slug, and then go back to sleep.
My greatest fear was – to wake up sober.
I remember those times just like it was yesterday. I remember that it was two weeks before Christmas. I was estranged from my wife and children (again), and living alone in a dump of an apartment in Van Nuys, California. It was about a mile from my office. I’d wake up in the morning, turn on the news and listen to all the bad stuff that happened while I had been sleeping. I’d be ironing a fresh, clean, white shirt, to go with my suit and tie.
The news stations had started having talk shows in the morning and they were interviewing successful musicians and actors, which had once been friends and associates of mine. They were some of my old getting stoned buddies, many of whom, got just as stoned as I was getting.
“What the hell? We used to drink and get stoned together! But they were telling the news anchor that they were sober! They’ve got to be lying!” So, it caught my attention, big time. How the hell could they be ‘not drinking’ and ‘not getting high’? Every day, leading up to Christmas, they were interviewing my old stoner friends, who were now claiming they were sober and life was great! “Bullshit!”
Could they really be telling the truth? I started taking notes and was going to investigate it for myself. I wrote down what a couple of them mentioned, about some outfit, and something about 12 Step stuff.
I couldn’t listen for long, because I had to get to the office for work.
I even remember the sponsor of those interview sections! It was Forest Lawn Cemetery! They were running an advertising campaign, with a slogan, which went something like, “Hey, we’ll be open all night for you! If you’re out driving and drinking – stop by and have some coffee with us! You might as well meet us and get to know us now, before you need us. Because we expect you’ll be needing us sooner than later!” (That was the message I heard. They may say I got it a bit wrong). But I did appreciate their offer of generosity, and kindness, and friendliness. I hold them in high regards, and appreciation, for their efforts of trying to reach out, to be of service to an otherwise, undesirable community of folks who needed help.
Funny how, now I’m laughing at these memories. It’s been 36 years, since my last drink, or drug. That’s right. Thirty-six years of continuous sobriety. If you ask, “How’d you do it?” Many times, it was just one heart beat and one breath at a time! Oh. And I did find that outfit my old friends were talking about that had the 12 Steps. They’ve been a tremendous help to me, also.
~DB